it's right now

my heart is no longer glue
sticking to you.

i am an empty room

there's nothing left of what i thought i was.
these things that i own
end up owning me.
i'm stripped bare...
this is me, not trying.
because i've always been trying.
i've been fighting upstream
on a river where i should be flowing down to the ocean.
instead i'm constantly jumping back into the stagnant waters from whence i came,
because they're safe and familiar,
but not altogether healthy.
i've been running in my own strength.
i've been stealing words
and character traits
and loves
and dislikes.
i've been everything but myself.

when all this is torn away and i'm left with
"just me"
will you stay?
i've been afraid of you leaving.
i've been afraid of not being enough.
but this has driven me far away from being complete.
i want to be complete now,
not in the way i always dreamed,
but in a way that will be the best for me...
where i'll be whole.

right now i'm dark
and empty.
but even though things seem desolate,
i'm ready to let the light in.
i'm ready to let you in...
if you want to walk through the door.
if you want to sit with me and listen a while.
if you did,
i'd be ever so grateful.
it's not bright and interesting.
we probably won't have much fill the silence with.
but i can promise i'll be there,
and there will be acceptance
and love.

when home is calling

oh, home territory.
oh, the mountains,
and wind,
and rugged terrain.
oh,
the ocean.

my heart feels so full of hope.
i actually feel a brightness in the future.
there is so much to look forward to,
the most important being
the rest of my life.

it's all coming towards me at breakneck speed
and i've got my eyes wide open.

wide, wide open.

but come back...

go away emptiness, and fear of loneliness,
and feelings of longing.
you're only feelings.
and i'm bigger than you...
i'm better than this.

but i miss you.
oh, it hurts.
i need a hug
like the one you gave me outside my house
(you bent your back and put your arms around my waist,
lifting me ever so slightly),
and a hand to hold,
and a whisper in my ear at a social gathering...
something spoken just for me to hear.
i need that so badly.

i miss you,
and your myriad of names for me.
and our inside jokes.
and those awkward hangouts that begin a little strangely,
and always end with me not wanting to say goodbye.
and i know you felt the same way.

i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
i don't want you to spend forever not finding me.
leave if you must,
but
please
come back.

Jesus, i want to put this in Your hands so badly.
and i have handed over most of the control.
but You know how hard it is for me.
please give me the strength i need,
and the wisdom to make these choices,
and the contentment within myself to be okey with
me and You.
i want no cracks and spaces.
fill every part, dearest Lord.
help me through this,
please Father...
help me.

Jesus, Your name is beautiful

loving,
sweet
Jesus.
Saviour.
mine.
ours.

I feel it in this wintery breeze:
the tips of Your fingers,
the hands that formed creation,
running through my hair.

The breath that was released in spoken word,
forming everything I know from nothingness,
is my breath.
You're deeply embedded in my lungs,
the essence of Your oxygen
transported to every particle of my being.

even the love You feel,
I am beginning to feel.
i yearn for what You yearn for.
my heart aches for what Your heart aches for.
the burning deep in my spirit
comes from the cries of Your spirit to mine.

as I am drawing into You,
so are You drawing into me also.
I am moving towards the place
where the lines between us are so blurred
that I don't know where I end
and You begin.

make me completely Yours, Lord.
Become completely mine.

finally

it is almost there.
the minutes tick by,
but i feel, so carefully creeping into my present,
Christmas.
and it's coming soon.
and when i get home it's going to be wonderful and warm,
and my family will gather and wear sunglasses,
and drink wine, and drop ice blocks down each other's backs to cool down.
and we'll laugh, and eat too much for the sake of grandpa's memory.
it's sad to say,
but i'm already there.
i'll try to live in these last moments, but all i can think about
is that bright and shining day
when home will be a reality,
and this place will once more be a dream.

i had something to say

it was really bright,
but now it's all watered down.
and i'm sure my August thoughts could become December emotions.
i really miss you today.
trudging through the ice,
melting into my laces and making them flop around lifelessly.
i'm sick of not talking
and not listening.
this place is void of voices
and emotion.
and i'm filled up with words and sounds.
i have questions.
and i have debate issues.
and i have no one but myself.
this is why i long for home the most:
people to listen,
and make me feel needed again.
i want to feed.
i want to be fed.