finally

it is almost there.
the minutes tick by,
but i feel, so carefully creeping into my present,
Christmas.
and it's coming soon.
and when i get home it's going to be wonderful and warm,
and my family will gather and wear sunglasses,
and drink wine, and drop ice blocks down each other's backs to cool down.
and we'll laugh, and eat too much for the sake of grandpa's memory.
it's sad to say,
but i'm already there.
i'll try to live in these last moments, but all i can think about
is that bright and shining day
when home will be a reality,
and this place will once more be a dream.

i had something to say

it was really bright,
but now it's all watered down.
and i'm sure my August thoughts could become December emotions.
i really miss you today.
trudging through the ice,
melting into my laces and making them flop around lifelessly.
i'm sick of not talking
and not listening.
this place is void of voices
and emotion.
and i'm filled up with words and sounds.
i have questions.
and i have debate issues.
and i have no one but myself.
this is why i long for home the most:
people to listen,
and make me feel needed again.
i want to feed.
i want to be fed.

tell me

the truth.
the real stuff.
the honesty.
tell me.

i know you can.
i know you have it in you.
i see it.
tell me.

i believe in you.
i've trusted you for all these years,
and never let go.
not once.
i've tried to cover it up,
but it's never left me:
your fragrance,
your words,
your touch.
i'm imprinted like an identity card,
and you guided me there,
just as he guided my wrist to the purple ink.

embedded i me,
perfect grain
to perfect pearl.
wave landing callously upon the shore,
as if thrown up on the sand...
and then sucked back in
by some salt craved fiend.

you are my every elipses,
and the "what if" in every sentance.
you are the promise
and the hope...
i am so sure of you.

so tell me.

when all i want to do is eat

(just because i like it.)

there's this lust in me for sweetness and heaviness.

kinda makes sense with my need for gravity,

and to counteract the bitterness in my blood.

but it scares me,

the little monsters in my marrow.

wide mouths, glistening teeth,

insatiable cravings.

nothing is ever enough.

and then i have to suffer.

at least there are things to look forward to.

like meeting the calming fluidity i feel in your arms.

the balm of your hands quietening the sound of grinding teeth.

quietening me.

He is Faithful

troubled waters spill and tip inside my heart of hearts,
but You are faithful.
i'm unsteady and unsure,
but You are faithful.
i cannot face myself in the mirror,
but You are faithful.
i cannot forgive myself today,
but You remain faithful.
i fall into doubt and even act on it,
but You are faithful.
i've blinded myself by believeing what is untrue,
but You are faithful.
i'm falling
and failing
and a creature of complete stupidity and habit,
but You, my God, are faithful.

i lift my head to the skies and let the tears fall down my cheeks,
because i'm alone on the train even with these people around me.
and yet You are with me, beside me,
a part of who i am,
and of everything i'll ever be.
You see me as a whole,
the string of my life stretched out in it's short space in time,
and You love me.
all the awful things i've done, and yet to do,
and You still love me.

i don't deserve this love,
oh Lord,
this amazing faithfulness.

but that's the point.
that's what You're all about.

help

i hardly slept a wink last night.
none of the usual things got me to sleep.
and i kept thinking and thinking.
and then i had a most disturbing and unwanted dream.
and now that i'm awake again, i don't really want to be at all.
but there is no alternative
as i have to face another day.
oh Lord, i pray for resolution.
my God, i need closure.
i need Your wisdom inside me to guide me,
and to make decisions that are pleasing to You.

i need You desperately, Lord.
please don't forget me.
see me in the dark, in my troubled times,
walking on this stormy sea.

i'm looking to You.
please don't look away.
i can't do this without You.

my palms looked sweaty, but it was just the dish water

my one eye is red, and my vision is blurred.
what an excuse for halusinations.
you're standing on the edge,
a figure smudged into the horizon.
and i can't really tell if you're walking towards or away from me.
i really wish you'd say something.
yell something to me, even from a distance.

your vision is not even a question here.
what you see...
i'm big enough to see from far away.
my hips wide,
my stomach rounded.

yes, i'm well and truly easily seen.

and yet i feel hidden.
as small as the seeds that rise like vapour together.
if only they knew that saftey in numbers is not true in this case.

no, i won't panic.
i won't be gulping my heart down any time soon.
just so you know:
i am calm
and collected,
and everything a young woman should be.
but...

i don't have any self control.

like the dragonflies

maybe the music is too ambient.
i'm not sure.
but i can't really believe my feelings were that way inclined!

never mind.
today is new,
and tomorrow is fresh and unfurling on my doorstep
as we speak.
remember me, dearest.

remember me fondly.

i see our bright shining home,
with the wooden stairwell glowing in the afternoon sun.
and our children run towards me...
her hair is so blonde.
you wouldn't believe.
and you're waiting in the kitchen,
and call to me as i walk through the front door.
you're already there.
except i think i'm the only one who sees it just now.
but we will be there.
wherever he is, Lord,
protect his steps and guard his heart,
and lead him to me
as he moves closer to you.

beat, heart of mine, for the right things.
to His rhythm.
and to move the blood through the veins that belong to Him
anyway.