i am an empty room

there's nothing left of what i thought i was.
these things that i own
end up owning me.
i'm stripped bare...
this is me, not trying.
because i've always been trying.
i've been fighting upstream
on a river where i should be flowing down to the ocean.
instead i'm constantly jumping back into the stagnant waters from whence i came,
because they're safe and familiar,
but not altogether healthy.
i've been running in my own strength.
i've been stealing words
and character traits
and loves
and dislikes.
i've been everything but myself.

when all this is torn away and i'm left with
"just me"
will you stay?
i've been afraid of you leaving.
i've been afraid of not being enough.
but this has driven me far away from being complete.
i want to be complete now,
not in the way i always dreamed,
but in a way that will be the best for me...
where i'll be whole.

right now i'm dark
and empty.
but even though things seem desolate,
i'm ready to let the light in.
i'm ready to let you in...
if you want to walk through the door.
if you want to sit with me and listen a while.
if you did,
i'd be ever so grateful.
it's not bright and interesting.
we probably won't have much fill the silence with.
but i can promise i'll be there,
and there will be acceptance
and love.

when home is calling

oh, home territory.
oh, the mountains,
and wind,
and rugged terrain.
oh,
the ocean.

my heart feels so full of hope.
i actually feel a brightness in the future.
there is so much to look forward to,
the most important being
the rest of my life.

it's all coming towards me at breakneck speed
and i've got my eyes wide open.

wide, wide open.

but come back...

go away emptiness, and fear of loneliness,
and feelings of longing.
you're only feelings.
and i'm bigger than you...
i'm better than this.

but i miss you.
oh, it hurts.
i need a hug
like the one you gave me outside my house
(you bent your back and put your arms around my waist,
lifting me ever so slightly),
and a hand to hold,
and a whisper in my ear at a social gathering...
something spoken just for me to hear.
i need that so badly.

i miss you,
and your myriad of names for me.
and our inside jokes.
and those awkward hangouts that begin a little strangely,
and always end with me not wanting to say goodbye.
and i know you felt the same way.

i don't want to say goodbye anymore.
i don't want you to spend forever not finding me.
leave if you must,
but
please
come back.

Jesus, i want to put this in Your hands so badly.
and i have handed over most of the control.
but You know how hard it is for me.
please give me the strength i need,
and the wisdom to make these choices,
and the contentment within myself to be okey with
me and You.
i want no cracks and spaces.
fill every part, dearest Lord.
help me through this,
please Father...
help me.

Jesus, Your name is beautiful

loving,
sweet
Jesus.
Saviour.
mine.
ours.

I feel it in this wintery breeze:
the tips of Your fingers,
the hands that formed creation,
running through my hair.

The breath that was released in spoken word,
forming everything I know from nothingness,
is my breath.
You're deeply embedded in my lungs,
the essence of Your oxygen
transported to every particle of my being.

even the love You feel,
I am beginning to feel.
i yearn for what You yearn for.
my heart aches for what Your heart aches for.
the burning deep in my spirit
comes from the cries of Your spirit to mine.

as I am drawing into You,
so are You drawing into me also.
I am moving towards the place
where the lines between us are so blurred
that I don't know where I end
and You begin.

make me completely Yours, Lord.
Become completely mine.

finally

it is almost there.
the minutes tick by,
but i feel, so carefully creeping into my present,
Christmas.
and it's coming soon.
and when i get home it's going to be wonderful and warm,
and my family will gather and wear sunglasses,
and drink wine, and drop ice blocks down each other's backs to cool down.
and we'll laugh, and eat too much for the sake of grandpa's memory.
it's sad to say,
but i'm already there.
i'll try to live in these last moments, but all i can think about
is that bright and shining day
when home will be a reality,
and this place will once more be a dream.

i had something to say

it was really bright,
but now it's all watered down.
and i'm sure my August thoughts could become December emotions.
i really miss you today.
trudging through the ice,
melting into my laces and making them flop around lifelessly.
i'm sick of not talking
and not listening.
this place is void of voices
and emotion.
and i'm filled up with words and sounds.
i have questions.
and i have debate issues.
and i have no one but myself.
this is why i long for home the most:
people to listen,
and make me feel needed again.
i want to feed.
i want to be fed.

tell me

the truth.
the real stuff.
the honesty.
tell me.

i know you can.
i know you have it in you.
i see it.
tell me.

i believe in you.
i've trusted you for all these years,
and never let go.
not once.
i've tried to cover it up,
but it's never left me:
your fragrance,
your words,
your touch.
i'm imprinted like an identity card,
and you guided me there,
just as he guided my wrist to the purple ink.

embedded i me,
perfect grain
to perfect pearl.
wave landing callously upon the shore,
as if thrown up on the sand...
and then sucked back in
by some salt craved fiend.

you are my every elipses,
and the "what if" in every sentance.
you are the promise
and the hope...
i am so sure of you.

so tell me.

when all i want to do is eat

(just because i like it.)

there's this lust in me for sweetness and heaviness.

kinda makes sense with my need for gravity,

and to counteract the bitterness in my blood.

but it scares me,

the little monsters in my marrow.

wide mouths, glistening teeth,

insatiable cravings.

nothing is ever enough.

and then i have to suffer.

at least there are things to look forward to.

like meeting the calming fluidity i feel in your arms.

the balm of your hands quietening the sound of grinding teeth.

quietening me.

He is Faithful

troubled waters spill and tip inside my heart of hearts,
but You are faithful.
i'm unsteady and unsure,
but You are faithful.
i cannot face myself in the mirror,
but You are faithful.
i cannot forgive myself today,
but You remain faithful.
i fall into doubt and even act on it,
but You are faithful.
i've blinded myself by believeing what is untrue,
but You are faithful.
i'm falling
and failing
and a creature of complete stupidity and habit,
but You, my God, are faithful.

i lift my head to the skies and let the tears fall down my cheeks,
because i'm alone on the train even with these people around me.
and yet You are with me, beside me,
a part of who i am,
and of everything i'll ever be.
You see me as a whole,
the string of my life stretched out in it's short space in time,
and You love me.
all the awful things i've done, and yet to do,
and You still love me.

i don't deserve this love,
oh Lord,
this amazing faithfulness.

but that's the point.
that's what You're all about.

help

i hardly slept a wink last night.
none of the usual things got me to sleep.
and i kept thinking and thinking.
and then i had a most disturbing and unwanted dream.
and now that i'm awake again, i don't really want to be at all.
but there is no alternative
as i have to face another day.
oh Lord, i pray for resolution.
my God, i need closure.
i need Your wisdom inside me to guide me,
and to make decisions that are pleasing to You.

i need You desperately, Lord.
please don't forget me.
see me in the dark, in my troubled times,
walking on this stormy sea.

i'm looking to You.
please don't look away.
i can't do this without You.

my palms looked sweaty, but it was just the dish water

my one eye is red, and my vision is blurred.
what an excuse for halusinations.
you're standing on the edge,
a figure smudged into the horizon.
and i can't really tell if you're walking towards or away from me.
i really wish you'd say something.
yell something to me, even from a distance.

your vision is not even a question here.
what you see...
i'm big enough to see from far away.
my hips wide,
my stomach rounded.

yes, i'm well and truly easily seen.

and yet i feel hidden.
as small as the seeds that rise like vapour together.
if only they knew that saftey in numbers is not true in this case.

no, i won't panic.
i won't be gulping my heart down any time soon.
just so you know:
i am calm
and collected,
and everything a young woman should be.
but...

i don't have any self control.

like the dragonflies

maybe the music is too ambient.
i'm not sure.
but i can't really believe my feelings were that way inclined!

never mind.
today is new,
and tomorrow is fresh and unfurling on my doorstep
as we speak.
remember me, dearest.

remember me fondly.

i see our bright shining home,
with the wooden stairwell glowing in the afternoon sun.
and our children run towards me...
her hair is so blonde.
you wouldn't believe.
and you're waiting in the kitchen,
and call to me as i walk through the front door.
you're already there.
except i think i'm the only one who sees it just now.
but we will be there.
wherever he is, Lord,
protect his steps and guard his heart,
and lead him to me
as he moves closer to you.

beat, heart of mine, for the right things.
to His rhythm.
and to move the blood through the veins that belong to Him
anyway.

Lord, he's stealing my focus

i'm feeling kinda light headed,

and that's probably the alcohol talking.

(no, i'm not drunk).

why is it so cruel to say i miss you?

why do her comments hurt so much?

why have i gotten so fat in just 3 days?

how?

why can i not love myself,

and what is it about you that drags me down to self hate again?

and why oh why do i still feel this way?

it's been so many years and i've loved many times over,

but you stick like the dirt after the plaster has come off.

are you the disease or the cure?

i don't want to lose you...

please don't let me lose you.

already you're growing again inside my bones.

and already i hate my veins for wanting you in them.

you have always been my drug of choice.

oh Lord, you see me.

Your eye is upon me, my God.

do not forsake me in this desperate time.

please do not let go of my hand in the change over lane during the peak hour traffic.

i need You, Daddy.

i need Your wisdom and guidance.

less of me.

more of You.

i'm decreasing so that You can fill the space.

connect the aimless strings of emotion inside of me.

Father, complete the puzzle in my mind.

fill my heart.

take my soul.

every building is a statue of you

and i'm reminded at every turn that it's your love.

how swiftly you have become mine,

once again.

i can't but be...

i can't but feel this way.

how it always and constantly comes back

to

you.

my fingers smell like sun ripened peas

with the sound of bees in the summer air.

and yet when i awoke this morning,

there was frost on the neighbour's roof.

and i can see my breath waft out before me in silken streams

and mix with the smoke issuing from the red tiles

in the photographs

i'm surely taking

for

you.

i have more sense than that

how many sentances start off with
"you" or "us"?
it seems the words from my mouth are always "me" or "i".
maybe i'm the only one.
He sees me in the darkness,
when my fingers shine like glow worms around the corners of my duvet,
the strawberry patterns creeping like red spiders trailing their webs.
He sees those small dance steps and leaps when i'm on my way to school,
and knows just what is playing through my headphones.
He sees, and He knows.
and He's making sure it doesn't hurt again.
in fact, it hasn't hurt for a long time.
and now that He's in control, i don't feel that pain anymore.
because He's my perspective
and my alternative to medication,
and my decision maker,
and my master.
and i'm okey with that.
i'm happier than i've ever been.
i swear.
i do.

don't you just

i mean,
stealing pictures in those camera frames...
don't you just want to capture me in black and white, one time,
with my hair falling across my face,
and my freckles shining through in grey shades,
like dirt smudged on my nose and cheeks...
like a speckled egg.
i mean,
i crack just as easily.
i mean,
i really really like you.
i mean,
i wish i was the camera and you the lens,
or the film,
or the scenery.
i mean,
i wish you were proud of me,
and that i was older sooner,
or younger shorter,
or both and neither
simultaneously.
i mean,
don't you just sometimes just want to kiss me?
i mean,
don't you?

Into it all

He is everywhere...
in the tiles in my bathroom,
and the dust on my blinds.
He's in each leaf that falls from these Autumn trees,
and the breeze that rustles through them.
He's the Autumn breeze in my heart.
He's torn the leaves from these branches
to make way for the new green.

now there's music where there never was before,
there is sound in the silence.
He's become tangible to me.
He's becoming more real than ever.
He's becoming more and more Lord of my life
and Conquerer of my heart.

and in all these things,
and lines,
and singular words,
i still cannot express the feeling of this presence
in,
and surrounding,
me.

if i never know love on this earth again,
i will still be so complete,
because of the love i have found
and that has found me.
i have a lover who offers me complete love
and acceptance
and grace
and forgiveness
and joy
and peace
and fulfillment.
He has no hang ups
or issues
or previous engagements.
He always has enough time for me,
and wants me so badly to irritate Him with all my talk and issues!
He's completely selfless
and jealous of any other potential lover.
He's saved me from death
by offering His own.
He's put me before Himself.
He's given me His all,
and all He wants in return
is for me to love Him back.
and in this,
i am complete
as He is.

so last night was unexpected

i heard from God last night.
it still amazes me,
and i guess it never will cease to amaze me
(at least that's what i pray!),
that He goes before me in such unexpected and yet glorious ways.
He is predictably unpredictable.
and i love that about Him.
there's something in the random ways He sometimes works
that calls to my Spirit.
there's a definite understanding there.
anyway, He's working in me,
and i'm terrified of what He is/will/may say to me!
golly, Lord, You really love turning things upside down, don't You?
before i left on that plane, i thought my life was pretty sorted.
but now You'r showing me these things, and laying things on my heart,
and i just don't know what to do!
i'm excited, i'm not going to lie.
God has plans and they are more amazing than anything i'm imagining now.
if you could pray for me...
for courage and wisdom and light in my life...
that would be fantastic.

some stillness in my head

guided tours of my hands through my hair.
i could trust myself for one more day.
one more day, i could sit on your couch and stare at you as if i wasn't aware that my eyes affect you...
that is, if they do.
what matters most to me right now is the affect you have on me,
and what it means.
i've got a distance,
and i've got a wall
and i've got a voice to call.
fall fall Jerico.
rise rise Jerusalem.
fall fall vanity.
rise rise sanity.
reasoning...was that really a strong point for me?

i miss us.
and i miss what that once meant
and long for what's been lost.
if it's not,
my heart tells me it very soon will be.

an end of sorts is near.

for who?


on this topic, there is still some stillness in my head.

come ye sinners

i'm trusting
and hoping
and praying
and believing
and putting my faith
in You.

oh Lord, your guidance is needed.
what have i given, but emotion
and vain toil?
if it comes from me it means nothing,
but when it comes from You, the clouds part just above my head,
and light streams down,
plummeting towards me.

i need you every hour,
my dearest Lord and Saviour.
i am vapour.
i am dust.
but You...
You are the everlasting
the eternal
the creator of all good things
the councellor
friend
Father...
God.

people that aren't there

so confiding in me was best for you,
but i don't know so much about myself.
i have a sad feeling deep inside,
as if soemthing has ended.
and i suppose in a way it has.

what is it about me that chooses the sick to love.?
what is it in me that wants to care for the broken,
to such an extent that i forget myself?
but yes, that was me.
now i've got to look out for myself.
a tinge of guilt, and a hint of selfishness...
but if it means me not breaking apart, then that may be the best idea.

that rash on my leg has still not cleared.
it's so small and insignificant, but it's really bothering me.

i don't really feel worried,
love,
just sad.
i wish you never had to deal with this illness.
and i'm sorry i can't console you,
or offer any relief.

keep your promises...
i'm keeping mine.
but it's not a chain around my ankles.
i can at least walk freely.

and i'm walking in that freedom now...
whatever the cost.

timeousness

you came along at the perfect time.
the day after my loneliness was about to eat me alive.
my feet were just about sticking out vanity's mouth.
i tell you the truth here.
it's amazing how i thought i needed no one,
but as soon as friends present themselves
i can't wait to tear off the bows and wrapping paper
and call them my very own,
and never let them go.
companionship is so underrated.
poor hermits
crawled up into their shells.
and hiding behind beards
and height.
i needed more, and He provides perfection.
go figure.
i expect so little, and He gives more than i deserve.
but i did go in with my heart more open than it's ever had to be.
i knew it was the right time.
so i'm just myself,
and i trip on the corners of these wide concrete slabs,
and i wear the trousers 2 sizes too big,
and i don't care.
because He (and he) accepts me for me.
and tonight i'll dream of you
(you do seem a dream anyway, even at the opening of my eyelids)
and maybe call you out in my sleep.
because i miss you
most of all.
above everything/one/body.

i pray for the end

oh swift and coming end.
oh sweet and swift and coming end.
i pray for you nightly.
i pray for release.
i am a coward, and i want to easy way out.
Lord, come and take these bones,
or just take over my mind...
because i don't want to think any longer,
and i'm so sick of feeling.
this feminine part of me, that is so prominent.
i want to tear it from my side.
it already seems to have taken on a life of its own.
i don't share in this anymore.
i want to wave goodbye to emotion,
because it is too much for me
and i feel
overwhelmed.

where does it lead

all the accumilation,
all the agony.
al the world needing and no one giving.

"he's worth an estimated 2 billion dollars."
"she's the fashion icon of Europe."

what are they talking about?
why do we even bother.
that's not real life, though it may be life to them.

in the end, we have nothing to lose.
in the end, nothing is lost,
unless we lose ourselves...
unless we lose Him.

should i sing from my throat?

if a gun was held to my head and i was told to choose,
i don't think i would be here.

i think i'm longing for the road.
for smokey night clubs.
for a purse filled with simple coins.
for singing everywhere
or anywhere
they'd listen.
to sing over loud voices.
to sing in the silence.
to sing my babies to sleep.

i would play those black and white keys.
i'd try my hardest to improve
for the sake of getting what i want to say across.
what do i want to say?
what is it i contain in my bones?
what is it that aches?
what jealousy is this?
what longing?

i feel lost in these feelings, and for the lack of an outlet.

would they listen? and would they even care?
do i need them to?
i think i'm getting to the point where i just don't care anymore.

i'm getting too old.
the train i want to catch is already leaving the next stop.



should i run to catch it?
i need the hope.
how much hope do i need?
i need the hope.
how much hope do i need?
i need affirmation.
how much affirmation do i need?

dissapointment.
fear.
rejection.
sinking.
gulping from this bitter cup.

maybe it's time to drown.
because this feeling needs to end.

i'm watching people in their apartments

if i look just over my window sill, i can see them in their apartments.
unaware of each other,
even though i am so fully aware of each of them.

the woman who sits on her balcony each and every morning, in a navy blue bathrobe,
with her legs placed slightly apart.
i wonder if she's lonely.

two
blonde haired girls playing in the kitchen on the third floor,
window second to the left.

the young couple,
like moving shadows,
with the round paper lantern.

the single young woman with bottle red hair,
and potplants on her balcony.
(there were two men over last week, and they moved her couches.)

my stomach is acid.

i lean out of my window and wonder
if
anyone is looking.

i should know better

and i thought one word wouldn't hurt,
that one turn of phrase could do no harm.
that i could patch it up and it would be gone.
oh, i should know better.
you come back, EVERY TIME!
we need to talk.
i don't want to.

but i do.
i do.
i do.

all of a sudden i'm throwing out the welcome mat.
what?!
who just inhabited my body?
it's as if i am two in one,
and the one that i suppress is,
has,
and ALWAYS WILL BE focused,
mesmirised,
hypnotised,
in the hold,
slipping through the sweaty grip of...
bruised around the heart by...
chocked at the throat by...
shocked by, held captive by, prisoner of, sickened to the stomach...
by
you.

and here i am crawling back for more.

once, twice, thrice...
how about another go?
how about i scrape this barely healed gaping hole
deeply?
let me sever myself again.
oh, i must love pain.
oh, i must be a sucker for tragedy.
i must be ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

i've died in a car accident,
and here i go driving again.

spinning leaves

tipping and twirling towards the soil
these spinning leaves.
my eyes are trapped in the curl,
and the unfurling of their ragged edges,
eaten away by the weather and insects.
once green,
now turned to shades of brittle grey.
they have paled
from lack of light.

poor leaves.

little leaf, falling again to the ground.
pinned once to the tawny branches,
and now spiraling out of control.

poor leaf.

when you reach the bottom,
when you finally rest with your friends on the damp ground,
remember,
disintergrating,
what it once felt to sway freely...

leaf.

it ended and begun

my stockinged legs barely grazing the surface,
swinging back and forth
and forth and back...
and over.

sweeping over.
the job of a broom.

i'm thinking, in the motion of my natural sway,
that there are so many children here.
but we never see them.
babies faces hidden in their shadowy perambulators.
cries the only indication of their existance.

why doesn't memory begin at the beginning,
and end at the end?
why must it fade in and out so?

do we really want to even remember what that was like?

She put her arm around me

arms folded,
and it seems i'm always sitting this way.
if you feed me, i'll be faithful.
if you fill me i'll gaze into your eyes untill the hunger growls inside once more.
was it weird to see her eyes standing out of her head?
it was as if water was pushing from behing her lids,
and i couldn't focus.

i could only see her eyes
and feel the hunger.

and when i rubbed my eyes to hopefully erase and start again,
i found out
i'm not an etcher sketcher.

i wrote this?

i really am quite ridiculous.
doing my washing at 4 AM
if i could.
scrubbing down the tiles,
and rinsing the sink.

i want to throw up,
but i'm stopped by the memory of what it felt like
the last time.

you remember...

right?
welling up inside of you,
all the darkness,
to the brim of your lips.

tucked in tightly,
strapped to your bed.
arms at your side.

and still it wells up.

growing from inside you.

for.ever

summer skies and torn clouds
seams separating, and i was hoping so much that the blue would glimmer through.
but it seems there are too many layers to allow me a gaze into obscurity.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

holding hands, a grasp slightly too tight,
when the tips of my fingers turn white,
and my knuckles fill with blood.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

pulling away from the car door,
slamming it in your face, while the dew still hangs on our
lips and shoes
and drips.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

Birthdays

it's strange,
that taste of balloon on your lips.
it was different to before.

it's a lightning white shot
across the velvet sky.
"our sky seems lower than this."

it's the smell on your hands,
and the red burn,
after swinging on the monkey bars.

it's peculiar
that you weren't here
when all of this happened.

but i thought of you anyway.

i'm really confused

i hate being so far away.
it's not just a physical thing...it's the way i feel.
i haven't shared myself around like that,
though i too have given more than i care to remember.
as drawn from a Magician's coat sleeve,
pulled out, i see them protruding one upon one:
red handkerchiefs.
just a brief glimpse, and i shut the windows, bar the door and close the curtains,
but you seem to find a way to reflect yourself off the glistening surfaces anyway.
and i'm caught unawares by you every day.
what i lost.
always focusing on what i don't have.
and now away from what i held so close,
you return.
why am i constantly pushing you away?
these thoughts inch their way into my heart and sow their seeds of painful,
septic,
and dark
doubt.

"good enough" and "honest to myself" are common phrases in the train of thought
running along
the track inside of me
each day.
every day.

doubting myself.
doubting choice,
decision,
this path.

where am i even?

maybe she was right in saying:
"we're in America,
and we know it."


and yet, after it all,
my love for you remains.
you will never understand what it took me to get to you
and to be with you even now.
what i put my hand up to,
the walls in my mind...
because i wish to keep you.
can i keep you?
i'll keep you, and you can keep me for as long as is possible.

in the end they're all jealous, and you and i...
me and you...
we're ok.
we're better and above all that madness.
i just wish that comfort was available to me right now.

i just pray this is where i'm supposed to be.
hold on, as i cling to you too.
there's no net, and if i fall
bones will be broken.

today it felt cold

i felt that iciness crawl and gouge it's way out from every word.
don't correct me
words are just words.
stab. stab.
tear. tear.
fear of the rejection pain.
it hurts like taking these pills that sat in the sun.
it hurts and i don't know what to think.
if i could see you tomorrow, i'm sure you'd calm this furious terror...
that you'd leave.

maybe you'll end up leaving anyway.


have i already begun to intrude?
did you even wonder,
for a second,
that i'm lonelier than you?

that the dishes just missed my head a few hours ago and crashed around me
into the sink
and onto the floor.
in my shoes.


i'm still shaking.