i wrote this?

i really am quite ridiculous.
doing my washing at 4 AM
if i could.
scrubbing down the tiles,
and rinsing the sink.

i want to throw up,
but i'm stopped by the memory of what it felt like
the last time.

you remember...

right?
welling up inside of you,
all the darkness,
to the brim of your lips.

tucked in tightly,
strapped to your bed.
arms at your side.

and still it wells up.

growing from inside you.

for.ever

summer skies and torn clouds
seams separating, and i was hoping so much that the blue would glimmer through.
but it seems there are too many layers to allow me a gaze into obscurity.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

holding hands, a grasp slightly too tight,
when the tips of my fingers turn white,
and my knuckles fill with blood.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

pulling away from the car door,
slamming it in your face, while the dew still hangs on our
lips and shoes
and drips.

when it broke in two,
it became
for.ever.

Birthdays

it's strange,
that taste of balloon on your lips.
it was different to before.

it's a lightning white shot
across the velvet sky.
"our sky seems lower than this."

it's the smell on your hands,
and the red burn,
after swinging on the monkey bars.

it's peculiar
that you weren't here
when all of this happened.

but i thought of you anyway.

i'm really confused

i hate being so far away.
it's not just a physical thing...it's the way i feel.
i haven't shared myself around like that,
though i too have given more than i care to remember.
as drawn from a Magician's coat sleeve,
pulled out, i see them protruding one upon one:
red handkerchiefs.
just a brief glimpse, and i shut the windows, bar the door and close the curtains,
but you seem to find a way to reflect yourself off the glistening surfaces anyway.
and i'm caught unawares by you every day.
what i lost.
always focusing on what i don't have.
and now away from what i held so close,
you return.
why am i constantly pushing you away?
these thoughts inch their way into my heart and sow their seeds of painful,
septic,
and dark
doubt.

"good enough" and "honest to myself" are common phrases in the train of thought
running along
the track inside of me
each day.
every day.

doubting myself.
doubting choice,
decision,
this path.

where am i even?

maybe she was right in saying:
"we're in America,
and we know it."


and yet, after it all,
my love for you remains.
you will never understand what it took me to get to you
and to be with you even now.
what i put my hand up to,
the walls in my mind...
because i wish to keep you.
can i keep you?
i'll keep you, and you can keep me for as long as is possible.

in the end they're all jealous, and you and i...
me and you...
we're ok.
we're better and above all that madness.
i just wish that comfort was available to me right now.

i just pray this is where i'm supposed to be.
hold on, as i cling to you too.
there's no net, and if i fall
bones will be broken.

today it felt cold

i felt that iciness crawl and gouge it's way out from every word.
don't correct me
words are just words.
stab. stab.
tear. tear.
fear of the rejection pain.
it hurts like taking these pills that sat in the sun.
it hurts and i don't know what to think.
if i could see you tomorrow, i'm sure you'd calm this furious terror...
that you'd leave.

maybe you'll end up leaving anyway.


have i already begun to intrude?
did you even wonder,
for a second,
that i'm lonelier than you?

that the dishes just missed my head a few hours ago and crashed around me
into the sink
and onto the floor.
in my shoes.


i'm still shaking.