i'm really confused

i hate being so far away.
it's not just a physical thing...it's the way i feel.
i haven't shared myself around like that,
though i too have given more than i care to remember.
as drawn from a Magician's coat sleeve,
pulled out, i see them protruding one upon one:
red handkerchiefs.
just a brief glimpse, and i shut the windows, bar the door and close the curtains,
but you seem to find a way to reflect yourself off the glistening surfaces anyway.
and i'm caught unawares by you every day.
what i lost.
always focusing on what i don't have.
and now away from what i held so close,
you return.
why am i constantly pushing you away?
these thoughts inch their way into my heart and sow their seeds of painful,
septic,
and dark
doubt.

"good enough" and "honest to myself" are common phrases in the train of thought
running along
the track inside of me
each day.
every day.

doubting myself.
doubting choice,
decision,
this path.

where am i even?

maybe she was right in saying:
"we're in America,
and we know it."


and yet, after it all,
my love for you remains.
you will never understand what it took me to get to you
and to be with you even now.
what i put my hand up to,
the walls in my mind...
because i wish to keep you.
can i keep you?
i'll keep you, and you can keep me for as long as is possible.

in the end they're all jealous, and you and i...
me and you...
we're ok.
we're better and above all that madness.
i just wish that comfort was available to me right now.

i just pray this is where i'm supposed to be.
hold on, as i cling to you too.
there's no net, and if i fall
bones will be broken.