Lord, he's stealing my focus

i'm feeling kinda light headed,

and that's probably the alcohol talking.

(no, i'm not drunk).

why is it so cruel to say i miss you?

why do her comments hurt so much?

why have i gotten so fat in just 3 days?

how?

why can i not love myself,

and what is it about you that drags me down to self hate again?

and why oh why do i still feel this way?

it's been so many years and i've loved many times over,

but you stick like the dirt after the plaster has come off.

are you the disease or the cure?

i don't want to lose you...

please don't let me lose you.

already you're growing again inside my bones.

and already i hate my veins for wanting you in them.

you have always been my drug of choice.

oh Lord, you see me.

Your eye is upon me, my God.

do not forsake me in this desperate time.

please do not let go of my hand in the change over lane during the peak hour traffic.

i need You, Daddy.

i need Your wisdom and guidance.

less of me.

more of You.

i'm decreasing so that You can fill the space.

connect the aimless strings of emotion inside of me.

Father, complete the puzzle in my mind.

fill my heart.

take my soul.

every building is a statue of you

and i'm reminded at every turn that it's your love.

how swiftly you have become mine,

once again.

i can't but be...

i can't but feel this way.

how it always and constantly comes back

to

you.

my fingers smell like sun ripened peas

with the sound of bees in the summer air.

and yet when i awoke this morning,

there was frost on the neighbour's roof.

and i can see my breath waft out before me in silken streams

and mix with the smoke issuing from the red tiles

in the photographs

i'm surely taking

for

you.

i have more sense than that

how many sentances start off with
"you" or "us"?
it seems the words from my mouth are always "me" or "i".
maybe i'm the only one.
He sees me in the darkness,
when my fingers shine like glow worms around the corners of my duvet,
the strawberry patterns creeping like red spiders trailing their webs.
He sees those small dance steps and leaps when i'm on my way to school,
and knows just what is playing through my headphones.
He sees, and He knows.
and He's making sure it doesn't hurt again.
in fact, it hasn't hurt for a long time.
and now that He's in control, i don't feel that pain anymore.
because He's my perspective
and my alternative to medication,
and my decision maker,
and my master.
and i'm okey with that.
i'm happier than i've ever been.
i swear.
i do.

don't you just

i mean,
stealing pictures in those camera frames...
don't you just want to capture me in black and white, one time,
with my hair falling across my face,
and my freckles shining through in grey shades,
like dirt smudged on my nose and cheeks...
like a speckled egg.
i mean,
i crack just as easily.
i mean,
i really really like you.
i mean,
i wish i was the camera and you the lens,
or the film,
or the scenery.
i mean,
i wish you were proud of me,
and that i was older sooner,
or younger shorter,
or both and neither
simultaneously.
i mean,
don't you just sometimes just want to kiss me?
i mean,
don't you?

Into it all

He is everywhere...
in the tiles in my bathroom,
and the dust on my blinds.
He's in each leaf that falls from these Autumn trees,
and the breeze that rustles through them.
He's the Autumn breeze in my heart.
He's torn the leaves from these branches
to make way for the new green.

now there's music where there never was before,
there is sound in the silence.
He's become tangible to me.
He's becoming more real than ever.
He's becoming more and more Lord of my life
and Conquerer of my heart.

and in all these things,
and lines,
and singular words,
i still cannot express the feeling of this presence
in,
and surrounding,
me.

if i never know love on this earth again,
i will still be so complete,
because of the love i have found
and that has found me.
i have a lover who offers me complete love
and acceptance
and grace
and forgiveness
and joy
and peace
and fulfillment.
He has no hang ups
or issues
or previous engagements.
He always has enough time for me,
and wants me so badly to irritate Him with all my talk and issues!
He's completely selfless
and jealous of any other potential lover.
He's saved me from death
by offering His own.
He's put me before Himself.
He's given me His all,
and all He wants in return
is for me to love Him back.
and in this,
i am complete
as He is.

so last night was unexpected

i heard from God last night.
it still amazes me,
and i guess it never will cease to amaze me
(at least that's what i pray!),
that He goes before me in such unexpected and yet glorious ways.
He is predictably unpredictable.
and i love that about Him.
there's something in the random ways He sometimes works
that calls to my Spirit.
there's a definite understanding there.
anyway, He's working in me,
and i'm terrified of what He is/will/may say to me!
golly, Lord, You really love turning things upside down, don't You?
before i left on that plane, i thought my life was pretty sorted.
but now You'r showing me these things, and laying things on my heart,
and i just don't know what to do!
i'm excited, i'm not going to lie.
God has plans and they are more amazing than anything i'm imagining now.
if you could pray for me...
for courage and wisdom and light in my life...
that would be fantastic.

some stillness in my head

guided tours of my hands through my hair.
i could trust myself for one more day.
one more day, i could sit on your couch and stare at you as if i wasn't aware that my eyes affect you...
that is, if they do.
what matters most to me right now is the affect you have on me,
and what it means.
i've got a distance,
and i've got a wall
and i've got a voice to call.
fall fall Jerico.
rise rise Jerusalem.
fall fall vanity.
rise rise sanity.
reasoning...was that really a strong point for me?

i miss us.
and i miss what that once meant
and long for what's been lost.
if it's not,
my heart tells me it very soon will be.

an end of sorts is near.

for who?


on this topic, there is still some stillness in my head.

come ye sinners

i'm trusting
and hoping
and praying
and believing
and putting my faith
in You.

oh Lord, your guidance is needed.
what have i given, but emotion
and vain toil?
if it comes from me it means nothing,
but when it comes from You, the clouds part just above my head,
and light streams down,
plummeting towards me.

i need you every hour,
my dearest Lord and Saviour.
i am vapour.
i am dust.
but You...
You are the everlasting
the eternal
the creator of all good things
the councellor
friend
Father...
God.

people that aren't there

so confiding in me was best for you,
but i don't know so much about myself.
i have a sad feeling deep inside,
as if soemthing has ended.
and i suppose in a way it has.

what is it about me that chooses the sick to love.?
what is it in me that wants to care for the broken,
to such an extent that i forget myself?
but yes, that was me.
now i've got to look out for myself.
a tinge of guilt, and a hint of selfishness...
but if it means me not breaking apart, then that may be the best idea.

that rash on my leg has still not cleared.
it's so small and insignificant, but it's really bothering me.

i don't really feel worried,
love,
just sad.
i wish you never had to deal with this illness.
and i'm sorry i can't console you,
or offer any relief.

keep your promises...
i'm keeping mine.
but it's not a chain around my ankles.
i can at least walk freely.

and i'm walking in that freedom now...
whatever the cost.

timeousness

you came along at the perfect time.
the day after my loneliness was about to eat me alive.
my feet were just about sticking out vanity's mouth.
i tell you the truth here.
it's amazing how i thought i needed no one,
but as soon as friends present themselves
i can't wait to tear off the bows and wrapping paper
and call them my very own,
and never let them go.
companionship is so underrated.
poor hermits
crawled up into their shells.
and hiding behind beards
and height.
i needed more, and He provides perfection.
go figure.
i expect so little, and He gives more than i deserve.
but i did go in with my heart more open than it's ever had to be.
i knew it was the right time.
so i'm just myself,
and i trip on the corners of these wide concrete slabs,
and i wear the trousers 2 sizes too big,
and i don't care.
because He (and he) accepts me for me.
and tonight i'll dream of you
(you do seem a dream anyway, even at the opening of my eyelids)
and maybe call you out in my sleep.
because i miss you
most of all.
above everything/one/body.

i pray for the end

oh swift and coming end.
oh sweet and swift and coming end.
i pray for you nightly.
i pray for release.
i am a coward, and i want to easy way out.
Lord, come and take these bones,
or just take over my mind...
because i don't want to think any longer,
and i'm so sick of feeling.
this feminine part of me, that is so prominent.
i want to tear it from my side.
it already seems to have taken on a life of its own.
i don't share in this anymore.
i want to wave goodbye to emotion,
because it is too much for me
and i feel
overwhelmed.